How does Santa keep track of who’s been naughty and who’s been nice? A computer database, of course. And it runs on an Apple II.
Looks like Woz saved Christmas!
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[ Editor’s Note: I asked Eric Lambert, a VC&G contributor, to write something entertaining for Christmas in the vein of his Halloween Spam poem. Just yesterday he delivered, sending me an MP3 of modified holiday jingles with a computer twist. It’s a tad cheesy, yes, but it’s full of fun and spirit. Thanks, Eric! ]
Download the MP3 file here or read a full transcript after the break.
On behalf of the entire Vintage Computing and Gaming staff (me), I’d like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. If, by chance, you’re hungry to read something Thanksgiving-related, you can check out a rambling piece I wrote last year called “What Computer Nerds Should Be Thankful For.”
Now go, be with your family. Eat some turkey. Have fun and play a few games. I’ll be back next week with more interesting vintage material to chew on. In the mean time, everybody’s favorite writer, Ulaf, will keep an eye on the place.
WELCOME AGAIN VINTAGE PEOPLES. ULAF FINDS THIS PAPER CONTAINER TODAY BETWEEN CRACKS HIDING IN BACK OF GARAGE. IT BECOMES A BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF BRAVE THE SID MEIERS, THAT ONLY MOST FAMOUS GAME CONSTRUCTOR OF THE GLOBE.
SOMETIME MY PEOPLES SAY TO ULAF, “ULAF, ARE YOU THE HOBOSEXUAL?” TO WHICH ULAF RESPAWN, “ONLY IF YOUR MIND PAY ULAF 2300 KRELBS.” BUT REALLY, WHAT ONE PERSONS COULD BECAME THE HOBOSEXUAL WHEN MANY IS? AND MANY IS FEEL TINGLE FOR THE SID MEIERS, EVEN THE UNBENT MANS OF WIFE. IT STANDS THE COMPASSION OF PLATO, NOTHING ABOVE.
EITHER WAYS, THIS ULAF DEFINITIVELY GOES AS THE SID MEIERS NEXT HALLOWEENS. HERE BECOMES A PREVIEW.
ULAF FIND THIS IN THE GARAGE OF BENJ TODAY. IN FACT MY MIND ALMOST DIED ON IT BECAUSE THE DEVICE MAKES A HEAVY GOOD TRIPPER. DOES ANY OF MY PERSONS UNDERSTAND WHAT IS THIS? TELL ULAF DURING THE COMMENTARY UNDER THIS MESSAGE.
[ Since Kotaku is being guest-edited by Simon Carless, and GameSetWatch is being guest-edited by Karsden Mörderhäschen this week, I figured I’d join in the trend by taking a break for Thanksgiving and leaving good ‘ole Ulaf Silchov in charge of VC&G for a while. I’ll still be around popping in to check on him, but for now he holds the reins. –Benj ]
ULAF DISCOVERED HIS MIND IN A STRANGER FUNNY POSITIONS THIS MORNING (NO, NOT LIKE THE YOGA). SINCE THE THINKSGIVING DID NOT CELEBRATED IN THE NATIVE COUNTRY OF MY MIND, THE BENJ TELLS ME TO ROLL IN THIS WEEKS WHILE HIS MIND CONSUMED THE TURNKEYS WITH PLEASURE. ULAF CALL IT CLASH OF BARBARIANS, BUT AMERICAS STILL CALLS IT THE THINKSGIVING KNOWLEDGE HOLIDAYS.
THE STORY BEGUN THIS: HIS MIND CALL MY MIND THIS MORNINGS TO TELL ULAF TO EMBODY SPOOKY GHOST EDITOR OF VINTAGE COMPUTERS WHILE HIS MIND RELAX IN FROSTY ELK BACKYARD. ULAF TELL HIM, “ULAF DID NOT USUALLY EDIT GHOST BECAUSE THE GHOST TASTE INEDIBLE.” BUT THE BENJ TELL ULAF, 
“NO BOTHER. HERE ULAF, WE GIVE YOUR MIND THE KEYS TO THE GARAGE OF MY MIND. DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH PICTURES”
NOW HERE ULAF SIT IN THE GARAGE OF HIS MIND, COLDER THAN GORST CHRISTMAS, BUT SURRENDERED BY THE BEAUTIFUL COMPUTER (AND THE OTHER JUNKS). SO FAR CATS DEFECATED ON ULAF’S LAP TWICE. MORE SAD FOR ULAF, MOST OF THE VIDEO GAMES STAY LOCKED INSIDE THE HOUSE OF THE BENJ. BUT ULAF STILL IN THE GOOD SPIRIT OF VINTAGE TECHNOLOGIES.
PLEASE PATIENCE MY MIND THIS WEEKS, AS ULAF EDUCATE TO WRITE MORE OF THE ENGLISH LUNG WITHOUT TRANSFORMERS AND ENVISION MORE OF THE COMPUTERS IN THE GARAGE OF THE BENJ FOR MY PERSONS TO ENJOY. ALSO ULAF MIGHT TELLS THE FEW SPOOKY GHOST ESSAYS IF YOUR MIND FEELS LUCKY.
THANK YOU FOR READING MY PERSONS. THIS IS ALL FOR NOW. UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS ULAF SAYING BE THE MASTER.
Welcome to the world’s most bizarre and confusing vintage computer ad. The headline of the ad reads “hook a winner*,” but upon examining further down the page, you’ll notice that the footnote asterisk sits halfway between the words “dolphin” and “winner.”
So what exactly were they trying to say? “Hook a winner, not a dolphin” or “Hook a winner — like a dolphin”? Either way, who hooks dolphins?
“Damn, it’s another dolphin; gotta throw him back.”
—
[ From BYTE Magazine, May 1981 ]
If you use this image on your site, please support “Retro Scan of the Week” by giving us obvious credit for the original scan and entry. Thanks.
Because they make game covers like this:
Ah — nothing like a Japanese Famicom Disk System classic. Is anybody out there willing to attempt an interpretation of this game’s synopsis from this picture alone? You’re up for a serious challenge.
Heck, I’ve played it and I still don’t know what it’s about.
Did you know the platters in most hard disk drives these days are made of glass? Neither did I, until last week…
What ever happened to good ‘ole fashioned aluminum discs? Thanks to a particularly rash and forceful extrication technique, I managed to spray bits of shattered, data-covered glass over half of my garage. Luckily, the pieces weren’t very sharp, as manufacturers apparently mix in some ceramic for good measure.
In case you were wondering about the whole scene to begin with, here’s the scoop: The drive was bad. I was after the wonderful, super-powerful neodymium magnets that reside within every modern hard drive (they’re part of the drive’s voice coil actuator assembly). I had previously given my entire hard disk magnet collection to my dad for use in his seismograph dampening system (doh!), so, naturally, I wanted some more. In the end, I got them — along with a room full of glass, a pretty picture, and a story to tell the grandkids.
Halloween will soon be upon us, and you know what that means. That’s right! It’s time for VC&G’s 5th caption contest.
Your task? Simply write the funniest caption you can think of for the image above. Anyone out there may enter the contest as many times as they want by writing a comment on this post. I will select the winning caption a week from today and post the result. The winner will receive an autographed*, heavily used copy of Pac-Man for the Atari 2600, which I will mail to him/her if he/she lives in the United States.
But of course, it’s not really about winning; it’s about the self-satisfaction you’ll gain by entertaining your peers and the joy of participating in a community event.
So join in the fun. Let’s see what you guys can come up with for this one.
If you use this image on your site, please support “Retro Scan of the Week” by giving us obvious credit for the original scan and entry. Thanks.
* Autographed by Ulaf Silchov.
