Something is crooked in the state of Denmark.

Leave it to the Japanese to create a fantasy golf game with androids, robotic caddies, and floating islands in the sky. As usual, they were quite forward-looking in 1993: they knew that some day, androids would be better at golf than humans.

I’ve actually tried my hand at this game a few times, and it’s weird. While the 3D engine is cool, it’s painfully slow; you can easily doze off while waiting for the screen to redraw.

[ Correction – 07/21/2008 ] I just played Mecarobot Golf again, and it seems that my memory was flawed. The whacked-out SNES Golf game I recalled above was actually Devil’s Course. Now that is a crazy golf game. Mecarobot Golf still contains robots, but it features a smooth Mode 7 engine.

Discussion topic of the week: What’s your favorite video or computer golf game?

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Click above for full ad.

“No Bad Memories.”

That sounds more like a slogan from a denial-centric pop psychology movement or a dystopian memory-wiping company than from a maker of computer diskettes. It would be easy to dismiss this marketing tagline as absurd, were it not for the enthusiastic bearer of the message: a buoyant, bubbly woman cheerfully peddling OPUS-brand floppy disks. Indeed, she looks like her brain was totally wiped clean by OPUS’s technical staff some time in the early 1980s — a testament that their memory technology really works.

By the way, here’s a high-resolution scan of Floppy Girl in PNG format for those of you out there who might want to turn it into a desktop background. Or print it out and impress your nerd friends with vintage floppy pin-up art.

Discussion topic of the week: Have you ever lost important computer data to a hard drive or disk failure? Share your disaster stories below.

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“Mutant scum never learn!”

Being a huge fan of the original Blaster Master for the NES, I went gaga when I first discovered that Sunsoft had developed (yes, I missed it at the time, along with everyone else) a Blaster Master 2 for the Sega Genesis. And so it was that BM2 became one of the first Genesis games I emulated on a PC in the mid-late 1990s. And I was disappointed.

If you get past Blaster Master 2’s horribly tinny FM-synthesis music, you’ll find a cartoonish technicolor imitation of the original. BM2 somehow lacks the epic feel of the original Blaster Master (maybe it’s the color palette), and instead resembles a straight-up Turrican-esque 16-bit platform shooter. Still, if I could get past the first stage (and turn down the volume), I feel like BM2 might be fun.

Discussion topic of the week: What’s your favorite Sega Genesis / Mega Drive game of all time?

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Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic computer….

The tiny computer you see above originated in the UK as the Sinclair ZX81, a wildly successful build-it-yourself kit computer. Due to strong sales, Timex struck a deal with Sinclair to market a fully assembled version of the ZX81 in the United States. They rechristened the unit “Timex-Sinclair 1000,” and the minuscule wedge became the first PC to sell for under $100 (US) fully assembled.

The diminutive, Z80-based 1000 was severely limited in function by its tiny membrane keyboard, its black & white display, no sound capabilities, and only 2K RAM. Despite that, it sold well in the US thanks to an incredibly low price. These days, Timex-Sinclair 1000s are relatively easy to find, and thanks to their nice shape, they make great doorstops.

Discussion topic of the week: What’s the cheapest computer you’ve ever bought?

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“…easy after you spend a day on it.” Then your hand snaps off.

Of all the weird contraptions pitched by obscure third-party controller manufacturers, the Video Game Control Glove ranks among the worst. I have but a simple question: in what way was the regular Nintendo 64 controller bad enough to inspire someone to redesign it into an impractical novelty shape that likely promotes wrist injury? Better yet, why does anybody do anything stupid?

Because somebody, somewhere, thought it was a good idea at the time. (And someone else gave them money.)

Upon closer inspection of this ad, you’ll notice that the company behind this needless exercise in hand strain called itself “Reality Quest.” That explains a lot: exactly 83% of the dumbest video game peripherals ever made were ill-conceived attempts to capitalize on the early 1990s media hype around “virtual reality” (case in point, the StuntMaster headset). At the time, virtual reality was always just around the corner, courtesy of strap-on goggles and gangly game gauntlets that engulfed your hand in gaudy gadgetry.

I’ve never used the Glove; my guess is that it falls somewhat short of turning Mario 64 into an immersive virtual reality experience. But the next time I need a controller whose function requires rapid, repetitive contortions of one of weakest and least durable joints in the human body, I’ll keep it in mind.

Discussion topic of the week: What’s the worst video game peripheral you’ve ever bought?

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Click on the image above to see the full advertisement.

I scanned this incredible piece of vintage computing artwork from a 1986 magazine advertisement for IBM PC service. It looks like it was rendered in layers of colored construction paper to achieve a 3D effect. The result is very unique, vibrant, and friendly. Does anyone know the artist responsible for this work?

By the way, here’s a high-resolution version of this piece in PNG format for those of you out there who might want to turn it into a desktop background. Heck, print it out and put it on your wall.

Discussion topic of the week: Have you ever paid someone to fix your computer for you?

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Of Aliens and Men

This richly illustrated advertisement for Irem’s R-Type and Kung-Fu Master on the Game Boy made me bristle with excitement as a kid. Unfortunately, most Game Boy games (when played on the blurry, slow-response, low-contrast, pale green LCD display of the original GB unit) didn’t live up to the promise of their vivid, colorful ads. Sure, I tried my hand at many action games on Nintendo’s famous handheld, but the lackluster experience made me mostly stick with Tetris until the vastly-improved screens of the Game Boy Pocket and Color came along.

Discussion topic of the week: What was your first portable electronic/video game experience? Describe it for us.

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The transistor — need I say more?

Let’s give a big round of applause to the electronic component that made our current computer revolution possible: the transistor. Here’s an advertisement from RCA touting the benefits of solid state transistor technology from a time when it was still novel. 55 years later, we’d be cramming 300 million of these onto a single piece of silicon smaller than a penny. And Microsoft Word still runs slowly.

Discussion topic of the week: What was your first computer’s CPU clock speed?

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No more blisters for Batman.

No serious gamer should be without a pair of batting Video Game Gloves by Champion. Without the extra padding they provide, your hands can get chapped, cramped, and blistered while pushing it to the next level! These gnarly gloves even provide a padded thumb sleeve for enhanced video game play.

If that weren’t enough, it’s clear that Batman himself uses these gloves while gaming.

“Robin, pass me the Bat Gloves.”

Discussion topic of the week: Have you ever injured your fingers, hands, or wrists playing video games?

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Click above to see the full ad.

In this week’s Retro Scan, we’re looking way back to 1953. Many computers in the 1950s used monster magnetic drum storage units, like the one you see above, as working memory — ala RAM — until the faster and more adept core memory came along. Using technology similar to a cylindrical hard disk, these beasts were understandably slow compared to their non-mechanical successors.

If anybody out there ever worked with one of these, we’d definitely love to hear from you.

Discussion topic of the week: How much RAM did your first computer have?

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