“…easy after you spend a day on it.” Then your hand snaps off.

Of all the weird contraptions pitched by obscure third-party controller manufacturers, the Video Game Control Glove ranks among the worst. I have but a simple question: in what way was the regular Nintendo 64 controller bad enough to inspire someone to redesign it into an impractical novelty shape that likely promotes wrist injury? Better yet, why does anybody do anything stupid?

Because somebody, somewhere, thought it was a good idea at the time. (And someone else gave them money.)

Upon closer inspection of this ad, you’ll notice that the company behind this needless exercise in hand strain called itself “Reality Quest.” That explains a lot: exactly 83% of the dumbest video game peripherals ever made were ill-conceived attempts to capitalize on the early 1990s media hype around “virtual reality” (case in point, the StuntMaster headset). At the time, virtual reality was always just around the corner, courtesy of strap-on goggles and gangly game gauntlets that engulfed your hand in gaudy gadgetry.

I’ve never used the Glove; my guess is that it falls somewhat short of turning Mario 64 into an immersive virtual reality experience. But the next time I need a controller whose function requires rapid, repetitive contortions of one of weakest and least durable joints in the human body, I’ll keep it in mind.

Discussion topic of the week: What’s the worst video game peripheral you’ve ever bought?

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Of Aliens and Men

This richly illustrated advertisement for Irem’s R-Type and Kung-Fu Master on the Game Boy made me bristle with excitement as a kid. Unfortunately, most Game Boy games (when played on the blurry, slow-response, low-contrast, pale green LCD display of the original GB unit) didn’t live up to the promise of their vivid, colorful ads. Sure, I tried my hand at many action games on Nintendo’s famous handheld, but the lackluster experience made me mostly stick with Tetris until the vastly-improved screens of the Game Boy Pocket and Color came along.

Discussion topic of the week: What was your first portable electronic/video game experience? Describe it for us.

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No more blisters for Batman.

No serious gamer should be without a pair of batting Video Game Gloves by Champion. Without the extra padding they provide, your hands can get chapped, cramped, and blistered while pushing it to the next level! These gnarly gloves even provide a padded thumb sleeve for enhanced video game play.

If that weren’t enough, it’s clear that Batman himself uses these gloves while gaming.

“Robin, pass me the Bat Gloves.”

Discussion topic of the week: Have you ever injured your fingers, hands, or wrists playing video games?

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What you’re seeing is not a hallucination. It is neither the result of partial head trauma, nor an accidental intrusion from an alternate dimension.

It’s a plug-and-play video game system marketed by Polaroid.

Walking through an absurdly enormous Target Supercenter last year, I spotted this strange beast hanging on an isle in the electronics section. I knew Polaroid was in bad shape (having declared bankruptcy years ago), but this? It’s so bizarre that I had to pick it up.

What I got was a battery powered NES clone with 15 mostly terrible games. No big surprise there. After some searching on the web, I found pictures of this same unit colored translucent blue instead of Polaroid grey — clearly Polaroid licensed this from another manufacturer. But why?

Word on the street (aka “the Internet”) says that Polaroid had originally built these games into their Portable DVD players. With that move, Polaroid quietly tiptoed into video game business. Still not satisfied, Polaroid soon launched this re-branded Chinese bargain-bin controller…almost directly into the clearance isles of retail electronics stores across the nation. Little did they know that it would some day make its most famous press appearance ever on Vintage Computing and Gaming.

Polaroid 15-in-1 Video Game System Title Screen

[ Continue reading Polaroid Instant Video Games » ]

Click above to see the full ad.

Close your eyes! The above picture is too hot for young minds to take. Or so thought Electronic Games in 1983 when they elected to censor the poster-girl’s bikini-clad crotch with an inelegant black circle.

When I first saw this ad for “video game sports accessories,” I thought the censorship have been a joke. But since it was published a video game magazine in 1983 — hence, “for kids” — it makes more sense. She’s clutching that phallic-looking broken joystick awfully close to the operative parts of her reproductive anatomy, and I guess that made the magazine nervous. God forbid she conceive a child with an arcade machine.

But what exactly has been gained by covering her crotch? It makes one wonder what hideous, kinky, suggestive imagery might be lurking under there to warrant such a circle. And therein lies the problem with arbitrary censorship — it draws undue attention to what otherwise might have been a mundane affair.

Discussion topic of the week: Imagine you’re ten years old in 1983. What would you think of the image above?

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We’re back. Last week’s Fuzzy Memory mysery was such an astounding success that we’ve received another request from someone seeking resolution of their distant childhood gaming memories. I’m not a fount of infinite knowledge, so like always, I need the adept VC&G readership to help solve the mystery.

Spirits of Ancient Egypt

Julia, from Australia, wrote me a few days ago regarding an electronic handheld game from her past:

G’day red

I’m hoping you can help me locate a game I played when I was a child. I live in South Australia. The game was a handheld game made around 1981 with a lcd screen. The name Tutankhamen comes to mind but it may have been called something else, but I’m pretty sure it had an Egyptian theme. I don’t remember how the game was played, I only remember what it looks like. It may have been red in colour, small between 10-20cm wide an I recall it had a little black stand attached to the bottom of it. I think it was modelled after the 2 player tabletop arcade games except a mini version.

Your help would be much appreciated!

Cheers

-Julia

[ Continue reading [ Fuzzy Memory ] Tutankhamen Rises Again » ]

TTI took three of these and never woke up.

Discussion topic of the week: Pretend it’s 1991 and you’re giving advice to NEC executives on how to save the TurboGrafx-16 in the United States. What do you say?

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Atari announced this ambitious computer add-on for their popular Atari 2600 game console just as it was bleeding to death from record losses. Sadly for us collectors, this unit never went into production — although the wisdom of releasing such a device is highly debatable.

Discussion topic of the week: What if Atari had included a built-in keyboard with the 2600 at its launch in 1977? How would it have changed the nature of the system?

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In Memoriam: Gary Gygax (1938-2008), co-creator of Dungeons & Dragons.

Stop a moment and think about the profound influence Dungeons & Dragons had on computer RPGs and MUDs. It’s immeasurable.

I’ve read a lot of bad press about China Warrior recently due to its re-release on Nintendo’s Virtual Console service. Many make fun of the simple beat-’em-up as being a completely horrible game, which is not far off the mark: playing China Warrior is about as fun as eating a brick. But they don’t know exactly how horrible it can be. In the early nineties, I had a personal run-in with this TurboGrafx-16 non-classic that still haunts me to this day.

[ Continue reading How China Warrior Ruined My Childhood » ]