Ulaf Silchov, our resident Ukranian computer and video game expert, recently decided to volunteer as the human control in a recent Turing test conducted at the University of Reading in the UK.

The only problem? Everyone thought he was a computer.

Here is an excerpt of one of his conversations with a judge:

Judge: Hi, I’m Cathy.

Entity: CATHY! THE NAME OF A WOMANS.

Judge: Yes, I’m a woman.

Entity: WHAT IS A WOMANS, REALLY? BUT A MANS WITH THE UNSTOPPABLE THIRST FOR KRELBS.

Judge: Right. What is your name?

Entity: WHAT IS YOUR NAMES?

Judge: I’m Cathy, remember?

Entity: THAT IS NOT A REAL NAMES.

Judge: Yes, it is. At least where I come from. What is your name?

Entity: ULAF HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE NAMES ULAF IN UKRAINE, BUT FRIENDS CALL ULAF “ULAF” FOR SHORTS IN SVADLOST.

Judge: Nice name. Are you from either area?

Entity: THE AREA OF A TRIANGLES BECOMES THE HYPOTENUSE…ULAF FORGET.

Judge: Uh huh. How could you forget something so important?

Entity: NO, ULAF NOT IMPORTENT. ULAF HAVE AT LEAST 3.5 CHILDRENS (ONE HALF SIZED).

Judge: That’s a very personal issue. What’s your specialty?

Entity: ULAF FORGET TO ASK WHERE EITHER OF YOUR MINDS ARE FROM.

Judge: The universe and you?

Entity: ULAF, ALSO, BECOMES FROM THE STUFF OF STARS, AS THE MIND OF CARLOS SAGAN ONCE TOLD.

Judge: Do you have any hobbies?

Entity: NO TIMES TO TALK NOW, RUSSIANS KARUMPING ON THE DOOR OF ULAF. REMEMBER, THIS IS ULAF SAYING, “BE THE MASTER.” *END TRANSMISSION*

Judge: I’m still here.

UPON ONE OF THOSE TIMES, ULAF CREATE TRY-POD MOUNT FOR THE GAME BOY COLORFUL UNIT, THE CAMERAS, WHICH THE MINDS OF NINTENDOGS CREATES SOMETIMES NEAR 1998 (WHAT A MINDS). WITH GREATEST OF THE SKILL, ULAF CARVE FOAM BETWEEN CANS OF THE SPAM (THE FAVORITE AMERICAN FOODS) HOLLOW, INTO HOLE FOR THE HOLDING OF THE GAME BOY CONSUL OF MY MIND.

WORKED WONDER FOR THE PHOTOGRAPHAGRAPHERS OF MY MIND:

ULAF PRINT ALL THOSE PHOTOGRAPHAGRAPHERS AND HUNG THEM UPON THE REFRIDGERATE OF ULAF.

BY THE WAYS, DID NOT THE GAME BOY GROWS INTO THE GAME MEN? WHERE DID THAT LITTLE BOY OF GAMING TIME GO? MATURATION AND PUBESCENCE, THAT IS WHERE. AND ABOVE ALL OF THE NOISES IT BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND ATE MY MIND. AHHHHHH.

PERHAP ULAF EATS THE WRONG MUSHROOM.

JUST A QUICK NOTE FROM MY MIND. GO BACK TO LIFE NOW. UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS ULAF SAYING BE THE MASTER.

—

Ulaf Silchov is an expert in video games and computers. He also writes for “Svadlost Weekly” and “The Overachieving Underling Circular.”

Expert Apple IIc repair by Ulaf Silchov (November 2007)

On behalf of the entire Vintage Computing and Gaming staff (me), I’d like to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. If, by chance, you’re hungry to read something Thanksgiving-related, you can check out a rambling piece I wrote last year called “What Computer Nerds Should Be Thankful For.”

Now go, be with your family. Eat some turkey. Have fun and play a few games. I’ll be back next week with more interesting vintage material to chew on. In the mean time, everybody’s favorite writer, Ulaf, will keep an eye on the place.

WELCOME AGAIN VINTAGE PEOPLES. ULAF FINDS THIS PAPER CONTAINER TODAY BETWEEN CRACKS HIDING IN BACK OF GARAGE. IT BECOMES A BEAUTIFUL PICTURES OF BRAVE THE SID MEIERS, THAT ONLY MOST FAMOUS GAME CONSTRUCTOR OF THE GLOBE.

SOMETIME MY PEOPLES SAY TO ULAF, “ULAF, ARE YOU THE HOBOSEXUAL?” TO WHICH ULAF RESPAWN, “ONLY IF YOUR MIND PAY ULAF 2300 KRELBS.” BUT REALLY, WHAT ONE PERSONS COULD BECAME THE HOBOSEXUAL WHEN MANY IS? AND MANY IS FEEL TINGLE FOR THE SID MEIERS, EVEN THE UNBENT MANS OF WIFE. IT STANDS THE COMPASSION OF PLATO, NOTHING ABOVE.

EITHER WAYS, THIS ULAF DEFINITIVELY GOES AS THE SID MEIERS NEXT HALLOWEENS. HERE BECOMES A PREVIEW.

[ Since Kotaku is being guest-edited by Simon Carless, and GameSetWatch is being guest-edited by Karsden Mörderhäschen this week, I figured I’d join in the trend by taking a break for Thanksgiving and leaving good ‘ole Ulaf Silchov in charge of VC&G for a while. I’ll still be around popping in to check on him, but for now he holds the reins. –Benj ]

ULAF DISCOVERED HIS MIND IN A STRANGER FUNNY POSITIONS THIS MORNING (NO, NOT LIKE THE YOGA). SINCE THE THINKSGIVING DID NOT CELEBRATED IN THE NATIVE COUNTRY OF MY MIND, THE BENJ TELLS ME TO ROLL IN THIS WEEKS WHILE HIS MIND CONSUMED THE TURNKEYS WITH PLEASURE. ULAF CALL IT CLASH OF BARBARIANS, BUT AMERICAS STILL CALLS IT THE THINKSGIVING KNOWLEDGE HOLIDAYS.

THE STORY BEGUN THIS: HIS MIND CALL MY MIND THIS MORNINGS TO TELL ULAF TO EMBODY SPOOKY GHOST EDITOR OF VINTAGE COMPUTERS WHILE HIS MIND RELAX IN FROSTY ELK BACKYARD. ULAF TELL HIM, “ULAF DID NOT USUALLY EDIT GHOST BECAUSE THE GHOST TASTE INEDIBLE.” BUT THE BENJ TELL ULAF, “NO BOTHER. HERE ULAF, WE GIVE YOUR MIND THE KEYS TO THE GARAGE OF MY MIND. DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH PICTURES”

NOW HERE ULAF SIT IN THE GARAGE OF HIS MIND, COLDER THAN GORST CHRISTMAS, BUT SURRENDERED BY THE BEAUTIFUL COMPUTER (AND THE OTHER JUNKS). SO FAR CATS DEFECATED ON ULAF’S LAP TWICE. MORE SAD FOR ULAF, MOST OF THE VIDEO GAMES STAY LOCKED INSIDE THE HOUSE OF THE BENJ. BUT ULAF STILL IN THE GOOD SPIRIT OF VINTAGE TECHNOLOGIES.

PLEASE PATIENCE MY MIND THIS WEEKS, AS ULAF EDUCATE TO WRITE MORE OF THE ENGLISH LUNG WITHOUT TRANSFORMERS AND ENVISION MORE OF THE COMPUTERS IN THE GARAGE OF THE BENJ FOR MY PERSONS TO ENJOY. ALSO ULAF MIGHT TELLS THE FEW SPOOKY GHOST ESSAYS IF YOUR MIND FEELS LUCKY.

THANK YOU FOR READING MY PERSONS. THIS IS ALL FOR NOW. UNTIL NEXT TIME THIS IS ULAF SAYING BE THE MASTER.